helloitsyou

hello.

2011-12-11T15:26:00.000-08:00

hi this week i'm feeling good.... particularly because i feel quite motivated to do something for myself. hope my biz will take flight soon :)

anyway here's the deal. i'm so used to three or four-days work week i think i'm going to die next week and the week after. then again.... two more weeks to block leave so i'm looking forward to that!

recently i picked up my gameboy and started to play. realised that i haven't finished the game after all. met groudon but i'm not sure how to get kyogre and whatever that follows is still unknown. i like the suspense. i'm just like that. maybe it's because there's still hope in me that i can still carry on. i don't like anything to end i guess.

by the way i tio guard duty on CNY. i'm a Chinese. FML?

hello again.

2011-11-26T20:58:00.000-08:00

three months without blogging! can't believe it.... even though nobody reads this anymore i still like to update this little concealed diary of mine.

i think it's because everybody likes to talk about themselves. it's intoxicating, really, some ppl can go on and on and on about themselves without realising that others aound them are bored of hearing it. anyway that's not the point. i just hope i can keep the faith and continue writing, even if it's just about everyday life.

simple little things make me feel good. yes i'm materialistic i don't deny i go for expensive stuff but there's another side of me yearning for just a little bit of sunshine when i wake up, peach tea for breakfast, sitting on the swing feeling the breeze, lying down on a grass patch with my loved ones to watch the stars. like just chill everyday

sigh. simple but unrealistic....

hmm.

2011-08-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

this week as usual i've done some thinking. not entirely about me.... more like about life. it's not easy. it's like, how do i even put it in words?

some things happen in a particular dimension and time. like a person. i look into the mirror and don't understand why i'm here. is that me? why is that me? which space am i occupying in this vast vortex of vacuum? i don't know me. not at all. do i have a past, a past which is forbiddden to discover unless i possess out-of-the-world psychic powers?

interesting really. i spaced out for a while in front of the mirror thinking about all these. then, how is it that certain things happen? do they just happen? i remember i was dreaming during some theory lesson then i heard people talking to each other, some marching around, the wind making its way into the place, ants creating a trail. how do all these things collide and happen so naturally? as if they were told to be there. a whisper maybe. that day i was telling my friend about my sixth sense. i predicted our outcamp run would be cancelled and it really did, so why was i right about that? how is it that my feeling coincided with what was going to happen, which i totally had no idea of? i don't even know if i just blabbered or what. come to think of it i don't even recognise that feeling anymore, like some scent which rubs off over time. so do things happen and then we forget? such that we no longer have any sense of belonging to our past, a guilt-ridden one, a carefree one. could that be why we never can understand why things happen, that we're not even good enough to understand why things happened.

and i'm done hating, dislike, abhoring, whatever. i think i'm tired. if you think you can even quit hating, you're too naive. you can't. but for now i'll let go. relax for a bit, then go for a thing to think about, a topic probably not as wide as this which i can't seem to quite comprehend.

hmm hmm.

2011-08-20T18:46:00.000-07:00

ok i realise i can't leave blogging 'cos i'm just someone who can't think about things without articulating it out. strange isn't it, it's like speaking to make sure i keep thinking....

so this week was quite slack. we had live firing for SAW which wasn't as loud as what jack told me. just that IA drills came in really handy, too many stoppages. anyway this is not the main point. somehow or rather someone made me very disappointed with him. and i mean very. time and again he'd do things which ppl can't see but it's so obvious to me that he's such a jerk i can't stand it anymore.

i am very angry, and even more so, indignant. he thinks that he's someone with principles but in actual fact he's just being defiant. like some overgrown kid. like for every single thing his opinions must be right. he insists on his thoughtless ways even though it's really wrong. i don't know who or what fed his pride but for now, i'll be evil and watch him fall. watch him fall into a bottomless pit and.... i don't know. i refuse to give a damn.

i told my mommy i saw myself in him. fuck that!

argh.

2011-08-13T09:08:00.000-07:00

I'm so not a faithful blogger. Didn't even come up to wish myself happy birthday. I think there isn't much to blog about lately that's why.... Is this sort of like some prophecy telling me that my life is in need of some drama or action?? Or more of it.

38 SCE is treating me well. Not much problem and not much fun either.... I'm not complaining! Not at all. At least we get to book out on every fri night and book in on sun night. And the food's good. No joke.

Still.... What's next? I hope my life won't get so boring that I need to rely on Facebook to record down every little detail of it

lalalalala.

2011-07-10T01:13:00.000-07:00

HAI PIPO I'M BAK (This takes a post to show how important my comeback is)

wow.

2011-07-10T01:12:00.000-07:00

If you even read this at all, I'm back. I'm BACK. From a place where I've dreaded so much but come to miss. It's always like that, too bad for being young. Now I carry a soldier's appearance, grass-like hair, a shag face and all the injuries not listed for convenience to read :)

In case you still don't understand, I just completed BMT. Call me PTE LEE now! Field camp, SITEST, route marches, BTP, IPPT, IOC.... Been through a hell lot. And so much tougher than before, be it my skin, my fists or my mental strength. Like any other boys I'm not stingy to share my experience on Tekong. Just call or text. Kidding.

I've learnt a great deal over the past nine weeks.... Ups and downs, judgements passed, different perspectives, personality check (but didn't really work out for some people) It's really fun, there's no need to be scared for those who need assurance. You won't die of excessive second-hand smoke or vulgarities. Eh ok that one I'm not sure.

So now I'm an armoured engineer pioneer. Honestly I don't know what's ahead but I can tell you I'm going to make the most out of it. It's going to be fun right? Right.

If I tell you I'm a bit disappointed I didn't get into command school, what kind of judgement will you pass on me? Will you see me in a different light? That I will never know. Best if I don't.

Anyway yea I was a bit sad but after a while everything just fell into place and my mind returned to the original calm state. Maybe I'm someone who can take things more easily than others. Like a cushion filled with better quality cotton. Absorb impact better what, haha.

This journey wouldn't have been possible without many. Can't expect me to list and write notes for all of them but I'm pretty sure they know who they are. Love y'all to bits and pieces like cookie crumbles. Goodnight!

think.

2011-05-02T19:09:00.000-07:00

you know i've always wondered why some people like to make others' lives miserable. there should be a correlation between that behaviour and the type of life they are living. in mathematical terms, let x be the amount of misery in their own lives and let y be the misery those people have brought to others' lives and we will most likely discover a strong positive linear relationship 0.8 < r < 1. this isn't too good an anology for people who are not math fans but you get the drift. if curiosity kills the cat then i think desire drowns a whale (and if you don't know that whales are mammals so yes they can drown don't bother to read on coz you won't understand anyway) i'm dying to know what kind of traumatism or excruciating pain their fragile minds have been put through to give them reasons to inflict more damages, which they would have otherwise rejected, onto others. do we tend to give the things we don't want away to others? selfish or self-protective?

sigh.

2011-04-29T20:45:00.000-07:00

i was walking with myself and then, i felt this sudden surge of emptiness which hit me as if ebbs of waves onto sea rocks. i know i'm alone. from the moment i was given life i was born to be alone. previously, i've been making conscious attempts at trying to hide and suppress it, without realising that no matter how much effort i put into doing that, it is an innate thing. it is intangible. nothing can change my fate. not even if i try. i am alone and will continue to be. the hardest part is to accept it.

hmm.

2011-04-24T23:00:00.000-07:00

we're always chasing. after truth, after love, after bliss, and after more truths. we're curious creatures. we like to discover, we like to uncover. pull up the blinds and let the sunlight infiltrate our eyes. walk into the shadowy forest with emerald light blanketing the land covered with scorched leaves. make a leaf bed. listen to what the bugs have to say. dance with the flowers and sing with the squirrels. pry open the branches and twigs and behold, a waterfall. look at how everything is falling into place. hold your breath. imagine that your loved one is beside you with a hug as wide as the universe and a kiss so deep you feel the ocean floorbed. look into his eyes and feel like fireworks. don't stop, no don't stop there, it's just your imagination. keep chasing. keep chasing until you get what you want. no even after that don't stop. keep chasing. keep chasing

not strong.

2011-04-16T22:55:00.000-07:00

some things which made me ponder. why is life so fragile? is it because it's always easier to find excuses to cease our existence on earth than to be strong and find reasons to carry on living? is it because we're innately weak, so weak that we cannot battle against all vices, to fight against all odds? or is it just because of our insatiable nature, our voracious appetite to live, that we're never appeased with the biologically-agreed lifespan that humans deserve? like everyone i fear the end too. i fear that wherever i'm heading towards is not where i really want to be. i fear that i'll be consumed by loneliness. i fear that i'll have unspeakable regrets.... above all i fear Death.

if we're meant to die, why are we here in the first place? to humiliate us, make us keel over and look like a laughingstock in front of Death? and where do we go after that?

haha.

2011-04-09T23:10:00.000-07:00

hi i'm feeling very happy today ^^ i can love almost anyone now hehe. maybe it's 'cos i went to NEX with my fav friends.... and had great jap food! i really love the green pumpkin bread. ok this is a random post and it shall end randomly i.e. NOW goodnight world i hope i dream of all my fav ppl

long time.

2011-03-17T10:50:00.000-07:00

this blog is going to rot soon.... hahahah i've been really fine these days. met a bunch of great friends whom i think i can keep for life :) this is the first time i'm in such a big group and liking everyone.... mm ok almost everyone. things do happen to make us change our opinions of people. it's like that, it's not like we've nvr been through this. anyway my students are really the cutest bunch of ppl ever! there's this boy who would post on my wall everyday, see how cute! and he keeps saying sweet things like don't want to lose contact with me etc (heartmeltz)

of course there's a mix of good and bad things. but y'know what, i've always believed that my worst days are already over, what awaits me is good life. unlike yesterday, i'm feeling light-hearted and very loving indeed. can't wait to see my 1E4 babies! actually come to think of it, i miss all my students a lot. two years, five years down the road, who knows, i might see them once again :)

hey there.

2011-01-26T07:42:00.000-08:00

time really flies. it's been more than 2 weeks ever since i last posted here.... i know, right. not like you care. but i'm so busy with school matters, both good and bad i guess. the funny thing is i know i'm not supposed to be emotionally connected with the students 'cos i will really miss them but they are like how cute and innocent! i'm supposed to hate teaching lower sec but i've grown to love them a lot i'm thinking of how sad i'll feel when i leave. true that my superiors are overbearing and unreasonable but now i know teachers are there for the students. or at least that's what real teachers do. settle disputes, soothe growing up pains, plan lessons, teach, handle enrichment activities etc etc. so.... right now i'm sitting in the office with my wonderful colleagues who will never read this 'cos they don't know that this blog exists :)

argh.

2011-01-10T19:31:00.000-08:00

today's the first day of work and i got chased out of the school i work in. MLIA (my life is average for those geeks!) ok no i mean it. the part about being driven out. they picked on my cropped pants, my suspender, my shoes, and even my hair which was nicely cut to show my sincerity for the first day. after that i lost my ez-link card and my bag zip broke. everytime i'm really down on my luck i'd always console myself by thinking that at least tmr won't be worse. but how long can this positivity last? i'm running out of it....

so what's the takeaway? if one day i become a superior or boss i will never ask my subordinate to leave on the first day. guess i won't leave this school with many good impressions of the staff or the principal, but you know what, at least i believe in the students, and that alone should make me feel much better for the nine weeks

new skin.

2011-01-06T21:00:00.000-08:00

hi i've changed blogskin and it's a skinny giraffe :D

lalala.

2011-01-04T19:35:00.000-08:00

met up with gy and js last sun and we went to town :) literally walked until our legs turned jelly.... but not bad i got one pac-man tee, a very very cute kangaroo tee and a blue long-sleeved shirt from uniqlo. then js couldn't stop nagging how i squandered away more than a day's pay. if you're reading this pls don't nag at me anymore k lol. and stop playing maple on weekend it's like how no life! besides all that we just talked, mostly about her korean trip. did you even know? the beauty products there are quite cheap, like about half or a third the price of those in singapore. now i know how people make money from blogshops $$$$

today was ok. the internship training was quite boring.... think tmr's the same. but the people there are nice. esp yingting and mindy who's teaching in swiss also! can't wait

last day of 2010.

2010-12-31T19:38:00.000-08:00

last day of the year. not taking part in any sort of countdown, not going anywhere, not doing anything.... but as usual i wish the next year would be better. not that it's not going to be, and not that i think it's not going to be. well.... just take it as giving myself more assurance.

1. better and stronger body to survive in camp/tekong/whatever

2. clearer mind and eyesight. and stay trouble-free. PERIOD

3. hope that the people around me will be happy and healthy, and even more if they already are, because these are what truly matter in life no?

4. be a fanta-bulous awe-struck teacher! :)

5. earn more $$$$

6. read more books like weiching (are you reading this?) i'm dead serious

7. friends matter. by that i mean those that i want to see

8. better luck? i'm sick of being unlucky....

yay.

2010-12-30T20:31:00.000-08:00

hey there today's a good day. went to swiss cottage and the security guard doesn't seem to believe i'm one of their staff members. eh am i that small?! no don't get me wrong i'm so fat people could mistake me for an overgrown pig and slaughter me any min they spot me. i just think i'm vertically challenged. like a tad too short to convince people i'm 18. ok so we went to the meeting room and had our first contact time (cool huh) for 2011. the whole thing was dreadful rly. four and half hours of meeting with only 5 min of break. but this way i appreciate my teachers better! the math sh is rly nice, hope she can be my teaching supervisor.... i'll be a full-time teacher and getting a personal cubicle next next week can you believe this because i can't!!!!!!! :D

must not let excitement rule over my head. striving to be an awesome teacher! next: shop for decent clothes and think of how to gel my hair

hey.

2010-12-26T20:18:00.000-08:00

mood: jubilant (and no one can affect it)

had jap food for christmas eve lunch, salad for christmas eve dinner, and curry fish head for christmas dinner! how's that for an Asian christmas? also had blueberry cheese cake from coffee bean!!!!!!! (facebook like) thank you mommy i love you. gd food for two consecutive days = feels so much better. hope jessica's safe in korea now because she's going to bring back my Tony Moly facial cleanser and scrub etc! how many gd things so far? so.... what's there to complain? :)

sigh.

2010-12-23T22:02:00.000-08:00

special mention/thanks to yingyu whose birthday i forgot (if you're reading this i'm really really sorry....) and who made the cutest harry potter character icing Chipsmore cookies! i'm just wondering how she knew my fav character is ron weasley

if things could weigh on my mind now my brains would drop into my oesophagus (or gullet), down to my HCl-filled stomach and all the nutrients absorbed into the small intestine and then.... yea la you know. in other words, many things to think about lately. i don't feel sad really. i just feel very tired. tired of people's expectations of me, tired of expecting something from people, just.... tired. i admit that i'm not a simple person, that i do have intricate thoughts and most of the time i'm fucking hard to please. but at least i'm not a liar who says i'm not. can you see? even when i'm writing all these i'm still thinking hard. what to say what not to say. i'm so tired. i need a break, from the human race, from all the desires, from all the emotions.

hello.

2010-12-18T10:00:00.000-08:00

i think i have too many misgivings about the world and the people on it. now someone says something i think twice or thrice or maybe even the whole night if it haunts me that badly. i no longer dare to open up because the world i know is no longer the world i knew. now for every step i take i have to do it with precaution because the path ahead is fraught with danger, conspiracy and greed. what if we fall down? there's this self-defence mechanism in us that would automatically evoke immunition once we're hurt. then our wound would close up, the dead skin weaving itself into scab to protect what's underneath. and the scar would be there to remind us of the pain.... perhaps i'm just too afraid to fall down again.

serene's birthday.

2010-12-10T22:16:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SERENE/SERANE/SERINE/SERONE/SERUNE LOL

took so much time to prepare for today's celebration @ marina barrage. she loved it i know.... we all know. photos up later when beatrice is done watching the retarded channel 8 show. and peijun please take care of your skin while i'll be praying for those rashes to go away. we always have a good laugh when we're together and that's really what i'll be missing when i enter the army. can everyday be today? and can today be everyday? ....

lol.

2010-12-07T21:00:00.000-08:00

current obssession: finding tuition assignments/jobs/more jobs!!!!

if you read the heading you would know that i'm desperately looking for jobs, especially giving tuition because that's the only thing i probably know.... if any kind employer chance upon this you might want to hire me because i'm clean (literally and figuratively) and hardworking. i know it's like quite kiasu especially when i might be formally teaching but there's a chance i might not get that job. and come to think of it, i've seen some jobs with better pay. big, big headache

oh.

2010-12-04T21:11:00.000-08:00

yea so 2309 is a much better class with much better people compared to 406 or 205. i don't know it's just that when i look back at my sec sch life now it feels like i've wasted 4 empty years in a good school but filled with fucked up people. it's ok i'm not in a bad mood quit guessing. it's just that i read this person's archives and it kind of struck me. counting my blessings, i left with gd grades, gd memories of nanhua (the 5-star toilets) and gd friends who can last me for a lifetime. i nvr ever want to see those fuckers i guess.... even though some came to aj so no choice haha but it's also over so....

yay.

2010-12-04T19:44:00.000-08:00

021210

they say friends from sec sch are always the best. undeniable. but this is another place where i felt warmth and love and courage and... even more love. thank you all so much. i won't forget 2309, best class EVER in anderson! :)

hmm.

2010-12-04T19:24:00.000-08:00

post-prom. go or not?

rawr.

2010-11-29T09:11:00.000-08:00

one day as i was walking alone, i couldn't stop thinking about this whole concept of 'walking'. it doesn't matter how fast you walk or who's by your side or when and where you started walking; it's why you want to walk. for a reason simple enough i was walking to get home that day and it was drizzling. but i still have to walk back home because i know that's where i belong. it's purely an instinctive act to get warmth, shelter and more company so that i won't be alone or afraid. so the issue is i'm starting to lose track of the simple reasons for why i'm doing certain things... and it's kind of scary. even if many people would be accompanying me along this journey, even if i've started off well, walking fast, i might never reach the end because there isn't any to speak of in the first place.

hey there.

2010-11-26T11:16:00.000-08:00

job hunt failed ytd. only managed to fill in the application form to be a waiter in westmall swensen's hmm... don't think i'll get it but even if i do i might reject it if the teaching thing requires a lot of commitment (which i think it's not. right? self-comforting/consoling in process) bad news is absoutely no mood to study right now but i think everyone's like that so... shall take a step at a time. so i met up with pj first ytd and talked/searched for jobs, then bea joined us for dinner. surprisingly i felt that the atmosphere was just as tense as back then when we were studying like mad for the exams, which shldn't be the case. nevertheless i love them and i know we will see each other again next fri to play mahjong right!!!! :D and i hope 23's chalet is going to be fun, don't even know if we will see each other ever again. but that's like the very faraway future right i shld be thinking of the near future haha. actually you know what, forget about the so-called near or faraway future, everything is uncertain even right now so how do we even see what's in front?

yay.

2010-11-23T20:41:00.000-08:00

today marks the end of my exams. you know it was so terrible my nose kept running like argh! and it stopped when the exam ended -.- thanks nose, i will cut you off if i could. i'm going to enjoy life now before i'm going out to work. suggestions? :D and hope i'll secure the teaching internship... may be considering to work as a part-time tutor, any takers? sigh feeling drowsy now might be because i've been sleeping late these few days. oh well lots of time ahead, bye! by that i mean i'll be back haha

yay.

2010-11-21T14:34:00.000-08:00

you know what, my mood's changed for the better :) many good things have happened ever since my left eyelid started to twitch on sat morn! i'm not the superstitious type but it's really been an awesome weekend so far. actually little things make me happy but just... if only gd things won't come to an end. note to self: ok shldn't be greedy. after all i do believe in winning some but end up losing some. i know tmr's bio paper is going to be gd, just like the screenshot "Bio A" wc tagged me on fb :)

tired.

2010-11-19T20:10:00.000-08:00

ok i'm not supposed to be here and there's econs later so all the more..... that cannot wait so i'm going to kill it later. figuratively. actually i'm quite tired now because i had insomnia last night. i really wonder who's able to sleep well for today's paper even though it's just paper 1 but i think if i screw this i might as well retake my 'A's. i lost all hope for chem. all i want is the work that i've done this year to do me justice. wait i'm starting to lose coherency i'd better stop.

[/edit]

i was feeling bad after the econs paper but then i had mos burger for dinner and now i'm feeling so much better. retail therapy works. those who say otherwise pls dye/paint/whatever your hair blonde. well ok erm this actually works differently for some, it's like for me spending more than ten for a simple dinner without anyone at home is kind of good alr. guess what i'm actually home alone, no prizes for correct guess (this has no sexual intentions or whatsoever) so, today's a good friday!

you know... i'm quite tired of you thinking i'll be always there for you. truth is i'm not. the thing i can't believe is i'm nothing more than a sidekick to you. you're on your own now. no wait i'm on my own, not you. i'll try my best not to see you. but if you read this and feel guilty or regret, don't bother because it's too late. what's this for, anyway you won't right? feel guilty or regret.

lost it.

2010-11-12T20:26:00.000-08:00

i realise i have to write. write in order to carry on with my life, no matter whether it's good or bad, i have to just keep writing. i hate it when people come here and think it's going to be another gloomy post and that i don't mean what i say because i do! just that.... i'm not a good enough writer to express all that i can feel. i can feel a lot. if someone tells me his/her pain i just might cry, and if you think i won't you're probably just not close enough. i just want to say that i want to always relate to others because it feels good to see someone feeling better because of you, and better is always better than good! ... then again who will share their pain? i've come to realise that people are not only so selfish that they don't share their happiness with you they won't even tell you their agony anymore. well i'm still going to be like myself, if i'm happy i will be, if i'm not there's no point hiding it. i'm not that selfish a person. and i will not be.

sigh.

2010-11-10T20:24:00.000-08:00

i miss you. it's like all of a sudden i could only keep thinking about how we became good friends from the start. now we're not, but i can assure you i'll still greet you with my warmest smile if we ever meet on the streets. i finally know why we never were close. i just felt close to you but it's not reciprocal. i don't even know if you still remember me. if we ever meet again i'd apologize for being hostile to you in the past. i'd ask how you fared for 'A' levels. i'd ask you where you'd like to go next. smile and say goodbye and probably never see each other again. i miss you. but i'm glad you were once part of me and i'll hold this tight wherever i go :)

heyho.

2010-10-21T19:50:00.000-07:00

i think it's good to be a third party sometimes. like sitting on the fence when your best friends fall out with each other and you have to pretend you're neutral but actually you're not which doesn't matter because you just have to patch things up. through many things i've learnt to judge better. and know why sometimes things happen in ways we don't want them to. now i think i've got to learn how to stop them from making me miserable.

wish i could kill all the bugs in the world -.-

a lot to say.

2010-10-12T22:53:00.000-07:00

i have a lot to say right now but it feels like there's not enough words for me to use. prelims are over and i more or less have built up my confidence to face the upcoming big A... except for gp maybe. anyway, this week is supposed to be emotional but i just don't feel a thing. sometimes i wish i had more to say, that way i can share my thoughts with others. what's this insecurity that's plaguing me? if you ask me i can't tell you either.

i don't like to be lonely but it seems to like me a lot. and over these years i realise i have grown used to it. i don't have a friend who share my exact sentiments. i don't have a friend so close i just have to and need to text him or her everyday. even when i'm happy there's not a single soul to share it with (prolly 'cos they are fed up or upset at the same time) i have always felt that some people will stay beside you no matter what. but growing up i think many people have left. and it only makes sense to let them go because this is growing up.

it just hit me so hard so suddenly because i was listening to songs which made me very sensitive and vulnerable.

argh.

2010-10-09T10:14:00.000-07:00

why are some things just so hard to do? like picking up your phone and texting a good friend about a random day and end up depleting the battery in just a matter of few hours. or call on a person to apologize because of all the pain and anguish hidden behind a quarrel that doesn't even make sense in the first place. or maybe give anyone a hug just to show you love them. it's hard. we all love it when other people love ourselves but it's always so hard to love others. it's like hypnosis we're not able to snap out of. i think people who learn to love are brave and they deserve to be loved because fortune rewards the brave.

so i need to try to express myself a little bit more. i don't think i would want to leave anywhere letting people think i'm an unpleasant person :)

sigh.

2010-10-04T20:55:00.000-07:00

i think people don't know me. but i know. i can't blame anyone for judging me. just that this is rly getting on my nerves.

not talking doesn't mean i don't want to talk right? and not smiling doesn't mean i'm unhappy. it's my way of life and i can definitely decide how i want to express myself, and even if it means offending anyone i'm also not going to do anything to so-called redeem and forgive myself.

and what's wrong with disliking some people? dare you say you don't have people whom you despise so much you think there's a better world ahead rid of them?

i hate airheads and empty vessels who say brainless things all day long?! now what's wrong with that. i don't like to hide my rudeness. don't get me wrong, i think some people are born cute and they know when to say cute things. some just... blabber non-stop and think they look cute. i no longer understand how the world works.

some people are rly cool though. they don't speak much but you know they are capable of it. they are my kind of people. i secretly admire them because everytime they speak, they have IT.

i think i did relatively fine for prelims... a bit disappointed but shall not say anything because there are people who face serious problems with their menstrual cycles and can't wait to see you bleed like they do.

idk.

2010-09-27T21:50:00.000-07:00

i could still remember.

in the not-so-distant past, i was laughed at, laughed at for being and labelled a conformist by someone who was so full of himself, he can't see his heart. let alone others? i agreed reluctantly, yes, knowing he would fall someday.

what's left within his blemished pupil... is only him. needless for anyone to knock him down, attention feeds his lust. silence. then, even as the waning turquoise moonlight fired its brightest and showered the purest essence of all on him, he stifled, and could at most manage a weak cry and he... becomes tainted nothingness.

i regret. there are always things i regret. but the only thing i regret was agreeing with him. i laugh, when should i stop?

___________________________________________________________________

i've been writing poems and proses ever since sec 2. not so much now, but i hope i still got that little bit of flair. there are things i regret a lot but have never told anyone. i'm sure people are like that. they have dirty little secrets and guilty pleasures (not a single hidden sexual or whatsoever meaning intended)

i feel moody now. even though life's been great for me so far. thou shalt not complain! p/s sleeping seems to be creeping slowly up on top my to-do list argh (and econs and bio and...)

hello again.

2010-09-23T22:02:00.000-07:00

happy 2309 day!!!!!!!!!!!! :D and happy birthday wc

ok i don't usually do this but i rly want something to remind myself of today in the future. will try to get photos once they are up on fb

anyway, i'm so careless today i forgot to bring my phone? right...... and results will be out soon so let's grit our teeth, cross our fingers and pray as hard as hell.

note to self: must buy the scrapbook i saw at bugis :D

bea's birthday.

2010-09-20T14:49:00.000-07:00

070910

hehe that was when we celebrated that bimbo's birthday ^^ sorry for being so late but better than never right?? miss y'all! and i esp like the last pic... think she needs a personal image consultant if she ever wants to change people's opinions of her.

i hate prelims. all the need-intensive-revision papers are clustered together while bio p1 and chem p1 are our last papers, on separate days -.- and math p2 was simply unbearable even though i did all the stats q (the pure math part was...)

full marks for mcq!!!!!!!!!!!!!! final chance (daydreaming in process)

hoho.

2010-09-17T20:42:00.000-07:00

prelims are half done!! can't wait for it to be over. i'm left with math p2 bio p1 and chem p1 next week :D so...

i've been studying like mad this week... hope it will pay off. even though for some papers i don't even know what to expect 'cos they were REALLY bad.

anyway i had the best chicken rice for dinner on wed!! and i'm going to get a study desk + today's dinner was also great lol + my mom got my fav biscuits so i'm considerably happy... and i can sleep longer ^^ ok shall go now fridays are the hit

resilience.

2010-09-10T20:07:00.000-07:00

i did macro aims and trade today, reading globalisation later :) it's been a rough week. i'm starting to need extra resilience refill to press on, it's like... how do i describe it? the last stretch is always the furthest

this week alone i'll celebrate 5 ppl's birthdays. you know if i bother to rmb the person's birthday somehow i think he/she has made an impact in my life. unless i chance upon fb HAHA or else...

two more days to prelim. honestly i think i'm too stressed alr i had a crazy nightmare, that is, i got U for chem omgwtf???!!! actually i'm more scared i'll fail gp... i guess i'll study some topics which are easy to relate to. serene has a point y'know. i'm doing media!

ok i need to go. sigh what has globalisation got to do with me??

argh.

2010-09-02T15:38:00.000-07:00

ok i lied. i can't resist the temptation to use comp but i'm going to study real hard later. promise!

today i feel extremely random, even deciding to post now is part of the randomness. i feel feverish right now i bet it's because i don't have enough slp but y'know what the sept hol is for righttttt :D

and so i'm stuck with bio. currently my brain is suffering from info overload like how the elevator hangs because of >8 fat ppl in it who just wouldn't admit they are fat argh. this is crazy! how am i supposed to memorise so many things?

i hope weiching's fine though! there are certainly times when we feel too tied up emotionally, our brains squeezed dry and have hyperactive tear glands. i'm not sure what happened but i think she's fine 'cos she's like a big goofball.

shall end this post with a quote. "every time you say it [my last name] wrong, a unicorn dies" allison iraheta

and how is roger federer so pro?

lalalalala.

2010-08-20T20:40:00.000-07:00

i love my four babes (yes my garfield too) i must say... best birthday so far. it was rly very much a surprise because i moved house and they managed to find me still. thanks rapists, hope this is not going to be the last time i see y'all before prelims :/

so i'm eighteen. there's many things i want to do, many places i want to go and all the food in the world i want to eat! and play play play and maybe go clubbing drink until my face turns red like hot pepper get that hangover feeling and best of all have fun with rapist club i promise (Y)

does that sound exciting to you? i don't care if it doesn't, i'm eighteen!

i like the ppl at sch. probably not close and/or comfortable enough but they are fun and that's gd enough for me. others... i don't care.

lately and as usual i've been busy. for real. this is most likely the last post before prelims... i'm glad this is the final lap. then again y'know i'm going to miss all of these, but i know change might be for better so i shall just try enjoying everything i do, love everyone i know, remember everywhere i've been :)

ok.

2010-07-26T05:58:00.000-07:00

why am i still so silly?

get real.

sigh.

2010-07-12T22:42:00.000-07:00

now this feeling is the worst. it rly didn't feel that bad. or at least before i'm typing this. am i supposed to be superficial and hate life just 'cos i wanted to do well in something i rly have passion in but try as i might i still didn't? i'm confused. the people around me are at least a cut above the rest, and they are performing in their subjects alr. i know, i'm so complacent, so careless!

it's not the results. it's my ambition. i've always thought it'd be great if i could pursue math no matter which stage of life i'm at, because it's something which differentiates me from the rest, something i thought i like. thought. this makes me wonder, if i'm feeling so bad that i'm probably losing interest in it right now, how much do i like it actually? just how much talent do i have?

perhaps i'm rly not that gd. it's time to put down, and let go of this dream, and search for another.

putting all aside, happy birthday sebastian!

argh.

2010-07-08T22:57:00.000-07:00

HOPES DASHED

it feels bad. bad 'cos i had that gd feeling, great expectations and then... i feel satisfied and comforted knowing i passed a hard paper but it's never enough. i know it. even if i did better i'd want more. THAT is worse.

but i got a msg later and it rly rly made me feel better. i don't know how, but everytime you feel so upset you just need someone's encouragement and then you get it, it just feels so gd.

stressed.

2010-06-30T09:23:00.000-07:00

midyrs are not over yet but so far i've screwed bio and econ essay argh pls let it be better for math and chem pls!

math p1 will commence later afternoon, great expectations! idk why... i just think i'm going to fail both econ and bio very very badly so i probably need to try to do well for some subj :S

i know right. it's not like say do well then can. but try. actually i'm secretly glad that aj's standards are finally becoming higher (?) and we cannot choose our econ essays ok, take that!! who will do international trade -.-

i'm more or less done after friday, math p2. so far i'm doing ok in stats, pls let it go well also

love.

2010-05-30T01:08:00.000-07:00

not much but this keeps me going :D

argh.

2010-05-30T00:45:00.000-07:00

frustrated. nth's right and i cannot be wrong. feels like i've nvr been on this planet and i need to find my way home.

i've been grumpy for the whole day today. i mean yesterday. finally had the resolve to cut my hair but shop's not open. nobody seems to be doing the right thing + rly need cip badly and till now there's no news at all = bad day

i told a friend i'd be on hiatus (i forgot who) how naive. i can't find a better place to pour out my thoughts, anxiety, anguish and a little bit of sadness. even if it's just casual writing it'd be great. 'cos right now there's no one i can turn to. or maybe there is but i probably just don't feel like talking.

writing's so powerful. i rmb i kept a diary when i was young. then at the end of every entry i'd write, "tmr will be a happy day" and yes, without much thought everyday was a happy day. the handwriting and grammar were poor, substandard maybe, but those were gd days

then there's the cute scribblings on pages of my textbooks. it looks rly nice and meaningful now. it's hard to depict that feeling i have but you can take a look at what you had written and translate it yourself.

i'm rather imaginative and sensitive. perhaps i shld continue to write so i have something to read, something to feel for and think about in the future.

p/s i feel better :)

sigh.

2010-05-16T20:05:00.000-07:00

shall start this post with a big big big SIGH. lately i couldn't catch up with my work and got scolded. it's bugging me because it's ms kat's hw. and then i've got half more an essay to write, other sub needs my attention as well argh

then again this week was rly fun. caught ip man 2 and surprised pj on thurs! bet you loved our card even though i forgot to write a nice one for you + i forgot to wish you on the actual day sorry sorry :((( love you just as much though. hope you had a blast on fri

i... find it quite hard to be happy these days. maybe i'm just not suited to be with a big grp of ppl. maybe i've always been alone. maybe i've always been fine alone. yea that's why

i'm someone who can't wait. i'm different. i can be nice to somebody only if i know i can rely on that feeling. i want to believe in it but it's too hard. certain things around me are not v real. so i don't wna think anymore, i trust THIS feeling.

ok back to work :)

lala.

2010-04-16T22:58:00.000-07:00

i got a B for pw :) of course it'd be gd if i got A la, but then... win some lose some.

ok enjoying my fri night now now now! :D

long time.

2010-04-12T21:47:00.000-07:00

i haven't posted for quite some time. lately many things happen, mixture of good and bad. but i'm grateful, for all the good things that happen to me :)

season is over! don't know whether to feel elated or sad. sure i have more time to study but i'll miss everybody so much. yada yada. this seems like what anybody'd say, so... actually i'm not that sure if i'm into that cca so much now, ah it's like i feel more relieved than upset.

and on a light note, we're starting to meet up on thursdays! even if it's just a short meeting to have dinner, talk nonsense and laugh like we never did as usual, it rly gives me enough energy to press on.

life in aj is also not possible w/o some. don't want to list names it's like hyper sensitive. those who made me smile (even if it's just for a little bit) will know. i know we're all gna do well... not. i mean, i'm not so sure about some ppl.

ok kenny just shut up and study hard. no more politics for me like what i wanted from the start. y'know it's possible. getting gd grades is definitely within reach. wait i shall stop talking to myself i think i'm developing schizophrenia (i.e. split-personality)

in conclusion... yea right. anyway i'm happy now so a big smile for you :D

happythings.tumblr

2010-03-20T00:16:00.000-07:00

via happythings.tumblr

mm.

2010-03-19T22:35:00.000-07:00

click to enlarge.

study study study. why do we study relentlessly when we know we won't go far? perhaps it's that little bit of hope that's gnawing at us to tell us to keep going... i find it quite meaningless alr. i don't wna try so hard anymore. i'll just study hard to get what's required to get into nus science faculty, and not for some "desirable" results anymore :) i've thought it through. being happy is rly impt at my now, no more competition, no more comparing with one another.

it's like i can finally heave a sigh of relief and smile like i mean it. the past few days i felt rly heavy but all is well now! so all of you out there who can't wait to see me fall, TOO BAD argh.

today's studying session was ok, not v prod! thanks to pj and hua hahahah funny jokes but i bet it was gd for them so good luck for ct :D we bought dou hua tang yuan and it was nice. a pity we can't have free b&j's cones tgt, nvm there's always next time right! -beams-

hmm why is it raining nowadays? i hope grandpa is happy at the other end of the world :)

hi.

2010-03-15T23:09:00.000-07:00

hi this is a random post ignore this if possible i think i'm gna hyperventilate anytime there's just too much work and too little time need slp badly hate training four times this week going to sch for just an hour of econ sounds like nightmare is this even holiday i rly don't know why i'm suffering this badly :(

fri.

2010-03-12T23:57:00.000-08:00

fridays are the best for chillaxation :) i'm feeling rather comfortable sitting in front of the comp desk, scrolling through blogs, fb comments and some photos...

it has been a taxing week though. napfa, sch work, pe, cca... feels like only a day has passed but yea, a week's a week. i just cannot get enough slp. meanwhile i'm feeling rly tired but i wna write this post.

i wonder how ppl think of me. sometimes i worry a lot about this (usually i won't) i only ask those ppl whom i think they know the ans to my q, ask a truckload of q during tutorials, try to pay full attention during lectures, keep up with work... i can't help it. i'm this realistic. i mean, i'm not studying so hard for nth, i have dreams like getting a scholarship to study pure math in uni. and i don't see what's wrong with that. if it's what you want won't you pursue it bravely? unless you're nuts.

ok before this gets incoherent i better stop.

yay.

2010-03-03T20:35:00.000-08:00

i had a satisfying one hour nap just now :) feeling extremely refreshed it's like i'm ready for anything i.e. math!!! shall do it after this post

you know i wonder why i study so hard for the econ test when i've written the wrong things. it's worse than those who wrote less right? right... i'm not going to be such a loser next time. math and chem will be on next week so i guess i ought to do well then.

just now i dreamt about that person whom i rly rly rly dislike and i actually went shopping with her (?!) now i know it's true when they say dreams are opposite reflections of reality. i swear it's impossible ok, going out with her -.-

bye world i'm gna do well for math and chem just you wait and see!

empty.

2010-02-27T00:16:00.000-08:00

what if i tell you i'm feeling empty now? will you come and hug me?

hmm.

2010-02-19T22:34:00.000-08:00

hello. i think it's polite to start off a post like this! lol what nonsense am i blabbering about?? ok nvm idk what to write haha so here goes nothing.

i feel a bit helpless. it's like i can't even write an econ essay part (b) in one hour?! i don't even know why i took it in the first place. dear ms kat, i shall free you from marking my rubbish-like work and drop H2 econ, thank you for asking aliens down to earth to eat my brains :(

it's a bit exaggerating, after all it's not just me everybody's like that i know. but i can't help it, it's like i'm not going to make it... as if i'm sinking down into this rly rly deep hole then letting the darkness and solitude eat me up bit by bit. it doesn't rly matter to me if ppl around me are suffering like that, it just doesn't make me feel better!

perhaps i'm too self-centred. but hey that's one of the attributes of Leo right! besides being powerful, honest, generous, but impatient... :)

ok, i'm in no mood to write now, i want to read bleach. badly. and the author just have to go on hiatus until next week... enough said, mood spoilt for tonight

valentine's.

2010-02-16T11:35:00.000-08:00

for valentine's

i know it's a bit late but still, better than nothing!

class 2309!! i've grown closer with some ppl, seen through some and... selectively chosen my friends. i like how different we are but as a whole it's pretty awesome. and i appreciate all the small presents alot :)

and obviously, ppl whom i couldn't have lived without. they kept me going and strong. esp b and s all the good and bad times... haha pj where are you? it's been two weeks since we last met.

more to thank. i feel like hugging all of them! i'm glad these ppl played major roles in my life so more or less everything's fine. stay happy and healthy everyone <3

cny.

2010-02-16T11:00:00.000-08:00

this cny was gd. i had steamboat for three days straight o_O haha but the econ essay... rly sian + the thought of going back to sch tmr argh!!!

there's not much festive mood this yr, it's not like the previous yrs... not much noise downstairs and it's dead quiet at night. i mean it's not like i hate this but it just feels different. i think we just go around visiting 'cos we haven't seen our relatives for ages. for me this yr i didn't get to go around. but i find it ok y'know i think it's quite a hassle. i don't see the point of doing this. i only have a sis and cousin around my age but that's about it. others... generation gap. call me antisocial whatever.

meeting up with them at changi airport later, sigh so far!

haha.

2010-02-11T22:56:00.000-08:00

today was a fine day. except for pe you know i could probably cough an elephant out sigh didn't complete my 2.4 run but it's ok i did my best.

i did math! v productive :) now i can focus on econ full steam ahead! i'm determined to do well. when was the last time i got so hyped up over studying? this feels gd though. haha it's like i'm talking to myself but i think everyone blogs like this right!!

i think i've been too nice. even when teachers hate me ppl tell me off for no reason snatch what i'm supposed to do i just keep quiet. i'm sorry to say even if you're a classmate i'm not going to smile and say it's ok anymore. yes i think you're seeing this in case you don't know i don't rly like you too. it's quite a mutual thing. but at least i don't show it. plus it's quite pathetic when i have to even try to get away from you no?

this is so not a hate post. i'm past that age alr. i was just thinking of how some ppl can hate others as if they burned their house/killed their parents/enslaved them for eternity......

lala.

2010-02-07T12:54:00.000-08:00

hello i'm sick. i think it's because of the weather :( i need more vitamin C! ... feeling much better though

sigh i rly want to do the econ essay............ the heart is willing but the flesh is weak haha. there's also bio tutorial!! omg stress stressss ok need to take it easy. but the thought of pe tmr ARGH kill me pls! hope i don't die + napfa's coming (contemplating suicide now)

raisin bread and soya beancurd makes my day! now that i'm sick i have to abstain from oily spicy fried food = porridge -.- you don't know how thankful i am just to have variation in my meals. shall take my medicine now my head's spinning alr

goodbye.

2010-01-31T10:57:00.000-08:00

i lost my grandpa ytd.

it hurts 'cos he was someone... i loved. someone i trusted. someone i played with, and fetched me from sch every single day when i was young. and he was someone... whom i've neglected over the past few yrs 'cos i had sch.

but it beats seeing him suffer. he was diagnosed with last stage cancer and in a matter of a few weeks, he was reduced to bones. he couldn't even talk properly, much less eat. every night at 11:11pm i prayed he will feel better... i still feel guilty 'cos i didn't get to talk to him on fri night. i only crept into his room and saw him sleeping soundly so i thought all was fine. but the next morning he passed away just like that. i didn't get to hug him and tell him how much i loved him, how much he meant to me.

i know he's making his way to heaven now... and i've shed enough tears. time to move on.

lala.

2010-01-30T00:53:00.000-08:00

it has been an eventful week. sch work, cca and other what-not... fighting for slp every single day and dozing off in lectures and tutorials as if it were a cycle. i don't have a life. i've expected this from the start but i didn't know it'd be so hard (hey it rhymes!)

i've learnt two new words today: ambivalence and juxtapose :D ok laugh at me for all you want i don't care -.- to me it's a form of achievement! and i'm coping well with planes and ionic equilibria so i'm satisfied

i think i'll read "wuthering heights" if i have enough time and energy (this is not a joke) seems like some lit book with cheesy love lines but who cares, i think we need more of these to remind ourselves that we're still alive :) better still if there's originality in the plot!

p.s. wuthering refers to turbulent weather in yorkshire language :O

some ppl... are more than what they look like. don't try to read them because they won't let you anyway. but you can sense it, feel it and give it some thought so that you can do better than that.

random thoughts.

2010-01-23T15:04:00.000-08:00

i chanced upon this when i read this blog. have you ever felt lonelier when there's people around you? ... or does it feel better to be alone?

i feel like i'm living in a world of fraud. i'm a cheat, and so is everyone else. it's hard to know who's true to you and who's not. and despite the bitterness we're carrying on. we're still living with all our masks on and life is nothing but our stage to perform. we put on cosmetics and dress nicely. we try our best to show others how gd we are. but we forget that as we become better at deluding people, we actually degenerate. we continue. but our makeup wears off, our costumes become bleached, and with the last ounce of our energy we stop. the music dies, following waves of applause. the lightings fade... and we're left to grapple in the dark.

_________________________________________________________________

i still read some blogs now and then. it's precisely 'cos of that i learnt a lot, be it good or bad. i regret a bit when i disliked this person in the past but now i read her lj very often 'cos her entries make a lot of sense to me. and then there's some hideous people whom i think i nv knew their characters well enough to judge them properly... i enjoy times like these where i stop to ponder what's gd and what's not. it feels like growing up in sec sch days :)

800 :)

2010-01-22T22:52:00.000-08:00

this is my 800th post! shall make this special :)

you don't know how much i miss y'all :( it's just a week i know but i wna escape from sch and homework (and some other things). pls meet up next week ok if not... emoboiz92@gmail.com lol

sch is fine but i tend to feel bored easily... there are little things for me to laugh at as compared to last time. or is it just me? nvm all i need is extra holiday(s)

note: ryeowook's birthday = 21 june! :D fav member of superjunior he's just too funny

aizen is rly too powerful. up till now i still don't understand why the author made him out to be so scary -.- and where's yamamoto?! the highly-anticipated ryuujin jakka just won't be unleashed

ok sorry for being so random i can't find anything rly nice to post shall write again when i have the feel

woo.

2010-01-17T12:13:00.000-08:00

this week was hectic. but it's gd, i can forget many things this way. sometimes i have too much trouble to brood over and too little time. yes thankfully i can forget my woes easily... makes everything a lot easier. h8 pe though : and i'm starting to develop a little bit of that homely feeling towards aj so it's fine most of the time.

managed to meet up with them on thurs but it was kind of short... i think it's gna be like this since sch has alr started. everybody's busy so i feel that our effort to make space in our schedules for meet-ups is rly applaudable :)

i can't help but think of who you rly are. in some ways you're so mysterious i wna find out more about you. you make me upset but happy sometimes. i don't know how to react at your silly actions anymore because they are starting to make sense...

just in case i don't get to post tmr, happy 18th birthday wenjia! :D

hi.

2010-01-13T00:09:00.000-08:00

can you imagine if your loved one left you for the other world?

it just struck me. today, it happened on my friend. what could i have done besides believing he's gna be ok and will move on somehow? i didn't even text him. i was scared. i mean, he's always like a happy kid but i just felt that he was different... days like these make you feel helpless

are we ok because we all have to die anyway? we're moving on so that we will eventually reach the end? i can't stop thinking about all these. it's not like i've nv seen ppl died but i don't want to get used to it. the idea of death becomes abstract and then you start to fear it from every single angle you can view it. i don't want that.

i want to have enough strength.

happy birthday sis!

2010-01-09T22:09:00.000-08:00

happy 15th birthday karin!! :D

for the best sister ever.

hmm.

2010-01-09T22:08:00.000-08:00

thurs, did chem proj and met up with gays. i was very late (luckily, if not i'd be so bored). shopped at haji lane omg i rly liked the cropped pants i bought. they were broke so limited choice hahah

then we went marina and had chicken rice for dinner, nom nom nom. i liked the curry! but i had ulcers argh so it was a bit painful. after that we sat around the esplanade area and talked our hearts out. green tea, camera, poker cards... what could be better?

i realise i may not have a "best friend" but i have the three of them altogether. it's a collective thing. i'm even more fortunate than those who claim they have one (and only one) best friend... love you ~~guys~~ gays

had training on fri. was damn tired but decided to drag myself there anyway. then attended the appreciation night for SL proj, which was kind of boring

today is my sister's birthday! hahah treated her to mayim for lunch and bought her a pack of (special) poker cards! hope you enjoyed today :)

gd.

2010-01-09T21:45:00.000-08:00

070110

yay.

2010-01-04T11:31:00.000-08:00

i see many posts about the previous yr, their new hopes for 2010

2009 has been an ok yr, it rly wasn't that bad. i did relatively well for promo, my best friends still with me, met a new group of ppl as my classmates, went into a cca that i rly wanted. it's not boasting i'm merely counting my blessings. some are worse off... this yr i've learnt to become a better person. i've given my utmost best to cheer ppl up and helped them whenever possible. i was sensitive to changes but it has become a lot better. i got to know some awesome ppl whom i think i won't ever get to meet again, hope it's not too late to become better with them. i won't stop believing in our 5-yr long friendship (rapists this is for y'all) no amount of words can describe us. and i don't feel sorry for myself anymore... i'm happier :)

thank you to all who made my yr: meihao kinz huijuan gongyi jessica 2309 ajtt and not forgetting 205! even though we couldn't attend the bbq :x

hmm.

2009-12-31T01:40:00.000-08:00

yea still awake at this unearthly hour... i think i'll fall sick sooner or later

it's new year's eve alr. resolutions? i don't have any. you know i've been making wishes at 1111pm these few months? it's actually about the same things... just that the list gets longer by time haha! i only hope that they'd come true, sincerely

~~idk why i'm feeling terribly upset~~

lala.

2009-12-30T23:11:00.000-08:00

this week has been okay... i can't find anything to say.

i feel blank. perhaps it's been too happening for me, i can't take it when many many things are on my mind. i can't describe the feeling now... but i h8 the feeling.

it's not washing off either argh why? today was a gd day, really. even though my legs are aching like mad now. i shall tell myself to feel happy after all i bought a shirt from uniqlo i rly liked :D it's cute ok! and we managed to take a decent group shot

time passes too fast. the long-awaited hol... is gna end :( together with 2009! i have a bad feeling about next yr though sigh

making a wish right now ^^

emo.

2009-12-24T01:59:00.000-08:00

i feel down and out. it's just today when some things are mentioned unintentionally but i took note of them. little things... i know. they just impacted me so much that my mind refuses to stop thinking.

i feel like a liar. happiness at the expense of my original personality

i'm just becoming more and more superficial. and... i still feel lonely.

yay.

2009-12-20T23:15:00.000-08:00

ok to make up for lost time i've decided to triple-post 8D

i was rly busy for the past week. add a few nights of insomnia... i wonder how i survived it :( basically my whole week was occupied like mon thurs SL tues fri training thurs ECP

and there's training before christmas (tues) + bbq on wed. you don't know how excited i am ok i'm actually planning it hahah! i don't know what to wear srsly hope i can go shopping early tmr or something before meeting up with them

anyway, my sis went over to my cousin's house for stayover :( strangely i feel sad, like really sad. i think i haven't been spending much time with her during the hol... it's not guilt, i hope. i think i'm close with my sis! this is something i'm proud of 'cos not all siblings are close :)

shall slp now i hate sundays!

lala.

2009-12-20T23:05:00.000-08:00

i love all the things we share together. ppl think that i'm weird for having best girlfriends but they don't know anything. everytime i see y'all it feels like i'm meeting my other family... esp during the start of the yr. i rly don't know what's gna happen down the next few yrs but... we're one :)

heyho.

2009-12-20T22:56:00.000-08:00

lalala.

2009-12-15T00:21:00.000-08:00

you know how some smiles are haunting? they never let go of your head, cling onto your memory and you can even dream of them :) it's something for me to think about... i really adore genuine smiles, those that come from within hearts and they make you smile just by thinking of 'em

i like it when ppl around me are happy, even if i don't know them! sounds... cliche but you get the drift haha. today i gave sweets to little children and they were so excited and pleased you don't know how satisfied i am (it's not because they were kids k)

simple pleasures are reasons good enough to make me feel gratified. i'm resolved ever more to paint smiles on many other faces! life is gd when you don't have much expectations :D

i'm feeling blissful now, bye dark clouds!

hmm.

2009-12-10T23:36:00.000-08:00

i haven't been actively blogging. but at the v least i'm satisfied with the pace of doing hw... a bit by a day makes a lot of difference!

i think i'm starting to dread going online. it's getting boring everywhere i visit, facebook, youtube... i feel sad for ppl who are stuck at fb games. and i think there are too many ppl trying to gain attention, it just makes the whole networking site seem more superficial

i don't like fb. probably it's because i'd like to be self-defining and it definitely sucks when everybody has an account :( but i'll quit if i find the determination to do so!

upload photos next time ^^ today sure was fun i haven't touched mahjong since jurassic ages.

not studying together tmr :( sigh it's ok i have my tutorials for company -stabs lungs-

happy birthday serene.

2009-12-10T23:07:00.000-08:00

happy 17th birthday serene!

hope you enjoyed the surprise we prepared for you today ^^

kbox.

2009-12-05T12:15:00.000-08:00

031209

photos.

2009-12-05T12:11:00.000-08:00

261109

sigh.

2009-12-04T23:53:00.000-08:00

i feel sleepy, but i cannot go without blogging. hmmm rainy day today~

had training and yep i'm improving that's gd :D k actually idk. we went for lunch at tpy burger king roy's so funny i nv knew there's this side of him hahah srsly i'm starting to change my opinion of some ppl... for the gd and for the bad. and where's amanda soo i hope she sees this and start appearing at trainings!!!

sigh, i don't know why but i feel happy and sour. i just need someone by my side now 'cos i feel so lonely. i really hope there's someone there for me and talk to me and comfort me and tell me that everything's fine...

i don't think you care anyway :(

okay.

2009-12-01T23:35:00.000-08:00

i'm determined; no one can stop me.

mlia.

2009-12-01T00:03:00.000-08:00

Today, I saw a bumper sticker that said "Hi Sam!" on the car in front of me. My name is Sam. I smiled. Then got scared. MLIA.

_________________________________________________________________

Today while washing clothes my mum walked in and asked why I always wear the same sort of clothes. It was my school uniform. MLIA

lalala.

2009-11-30T23:11:00.000-08:00

i was feeling upset for a moment. then something tells me that i cannot give up. is it time?

anyway, hardcore bio mugging today, mmm :) i'm very, extremely motivated now! chem math econ gp here i coooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooome haha

on a lighter note, training's tmr and i can skip it!! you don't know how much i need rest... yes even in the holiday. i found out that i can sleep for 8 hours and still take afternoon nap zzz

it's just a few hours y'all left s'pore but i'm missing you guys alr! it's gna be so depressing :(

wonder how the SL thing will turn out tmr, hmm i'm making a wish now look at the time

hello.

2009-11-28T23:54:00.000-08:00

some things are hard to say face-to-face. at times, i feel like i haven't been giving as much as i thought i have. i feel bad for letting my emotions rule over my head. things happen and all i can do is to wait, and wait.

i've been thinking hard. have i been too selfish a friend? when relationships turn sour, i'd try to move away. when certain things are beyond my reach, i'll give up.

then again, my world starts to revolve around others. i choose to be happy still because i know i'm capable of putting smiles onto their faces. i try very hard to brighten up their days.

i'm also trying v hard to be a better person. at times i secretly wish that i'm someone admired by everyone... for my friends who are still with me, for our strong friendship. but i forgot that i may not be the same person admired by the friends who chose to stay beside me. could this change be for the better, or for the bitter? will thinking of these make me stronger, better?

i have lowered my expectation of people. i accept the fact that they are who they are and i can stand by them despite their weaknesses. i'm willing to be patient and wait. not the nonchalant kind, but one filled with hope.

i feel that i've changed. or at least i feel very much so, that i've done my best to be considerate towards people. i share more, talk less and smile less. but i think this is growing up.

777.

2009-11-27T23:26:00.000-08:00

post #777. is this something lucky? :D

i'm feeling feverish. is it because i've been going out too often lately + all the training at tpy safra? let's see... tues was training, nth much.

studied with bh on wed, haha he actually took the train towards marina when we were supposed to meet at woodlands! and zh fainted :O hope he's all better right now. bh's so blur at the end of the day he thought his train was mine hahaha

yesterday, fun at chinatown with pj and b! my cam has to run out of batt now -.- i shall upload the pics tmr or smth i'm really v v tired :( KOI FRIED RICE CHINATOWN GLUTINOUS RICE BALLS SESAME PEANUT WALNUT PASTE WALK WALK WALK BUGIS ILUMA! LIBRARY + lots of photos and love :D :D :D

and today, training and coach treated us to chicken rice! so cute + nice right! and he has fb can you believe it?? i searched for liu jian and... i gave up haha too many results! during the whole eating session he kept praising nanhua yay

note: pokai likes to listen to gossip! :D

sigh.

2009-11-24T23:02:00.000-08:00

it's raining over here in my little enclosed world.

the saddest thing is that i know i care but you don't

lalala.

2009-11-23T22:55:00.000-08:00

today's the last day of sch. surprisingly... it wasn't as memorable as any last day(s) as far as i can recall. and yes there's training tmr :( sudden change of plan so i hope we can all make it for kbox on wed you don't know how much i've been yearning to go there

i like spending time with my classmates. i saw this person's blog which mentioned that jc life can also be about vibrance and building strong friendships. i feel like putting a 'like' under the phrases too bad it isn't fb haha. but yea i guess i still need to be more open and outgoing. i have much to learn! :)

today feels... slow. not that kind of bad slow... well idk but i guess it's a sign that i'm getting used to sch life. that's great c0s i nv felt that i could survive properly in aj ^^

oh i've completed my maclaurin's you don't know how thankful i am. allow me to show off! hahah small angle approx: sin x = x, cos x = 1 - (x^2)/2! :O

hmm p&c seems interesting too sorry if i sound like a math freak :(

hmm.

2009-11-23T00:50:00.000-08:00

i hate fake people.

weird math.

2009-11-22T23:16:00.000-08:00

reblogged from fuckyeahmath.tumblr

integration by parts! but it's wrong isn't it?

i hope i won't get a problematic student like this.

cool car.

2009-11-22T23:09:00.000-08:00

coolest car ever. i think it has 4 xbox consoles in the vehicle and the wide screen behind the whole car is for the audience :O ideas come alive! reblogged from damncoolpics.blogspot

can't sleep.

2009-11-22T00:18:00.000-08:00

i'm still up right now. it's so unhealthy but i think i'm a night animal, period. there's the guess show and i tell you it's worth the wait (: haha what a lousy post shall find smth to blog about srsly tmr (note the MLIA below)

lol.

2009-11-22T00:15:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, my friend lost a bet and had to climb up on the table at lunch and dance in his boxers. He got suspended. Today, me and 32 of my friends did the same in his honor. He got unsuspended and it was taken off his permanent record. Win. MLIA

hmm.

2009-11-21T00:12:00.000-08:00

it'd been another rainy day.

i hate it when weird feelings strike me. i can imagine my face to be :S now totally! hate it ttm. it's really v strange it feels like i'm missing someone in my life but i'm not doing anything about it... the longing kind? like i rly want to see that person but when i do all i can do is to avoid (idk if i have a brain or not) -.-

i mean it's just a feeling. and well, today wasn't bad, it's just weird on the whole. take for example i didn't finish my horfun in the afternoon :( my appetite has shrunk! it's abnormal because i'm exercising recently i should be experiencing high metabolism rate

and what about the releasing-endorphin-after-exercise thing?! i felt damn emo after training today ._. really need to get a hold of myself. i mean, it's the much-anticipated sch holiday now. i should re-look at my checklist to see what i can do and give 'em a try!

everything will be fine (repeat X 10^10) i need to believe in that